As some of you might know, I competed in the U.S. Muay Thai Open East 2018 tournament this past weekend. And did pretty well. I walked away with a championship belt for the Novice division. The details of me winning my two matches aren't important. What I want to talk about are the unsung heroes that contributed, much like flawless cogs in a wheel, to my victory, and the seismic changes that occurred by pushing my limits.
Some of these heroes are real people, but others are real ideas. There's no difference, really.
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I. The body
I've always neglected my body. Punished it, even, in the form of excessive carbohydrate and fat intake and then punished that punishment in the form of self-criticism in its cruelest verbalized form. I have a sort of self-undoing with regards to my physical health, but what I didn't realize before starting Muay Thai was that the body is inexplicably but intrinsically connected to my mind and spirit. Or will. Or heart, in the metaphorical sense. It doesn't matter how sharp my mind and will were--how could they be sharp when they're being fueled by the wrong type of chemical energy?
Muay Thai came to me when I was studying abroad in London in 2015, where I was begrudgingly convinced by my friend to join a commercial gym that happened to have one of UK's best Muay Thai teams teaching classes there. I was particularly inspired by Daniel McGowan, whom I interviewed for my class project. He talked about cutting 5 kilos in a hot bath, and I laughed at the absurdity of it. Didn't seem as absurd when I had to do the same thing, two years later.
When I came back in the summer of '15, I lucked out by joining the Renzo Gracie Academy, where I completely revamped my technique from scratch and learned, first and foremost, how to be a great training partner. The only reason I was able to improve so quickly was because of my peers (same in architecture), who stayed late and went over techniques long after class was over. "The rising tide raises all boats!" as coach Jamie Crowder would say in his unfettered Liverpool accent.
My first training partner was Joshua Brandenburg. My first mentor was Michelle Diaz. My coach from day one was and always has been Joseph Sampieri. What they saw in a homeless-looking, sleepy-eyed, grumpy-ass and caffeine-addicted architecture student, I couldn't say for sure. All I know was that I was given a chance to show who I was, and I had already let enough important chances slip past me to know that I didn't want to coast through life anymore. Just being "good" at something isn't enough. I needed to attain a higher level of understanding in order to clear the fog in my brain. Sometimes I felt like I was navigating through life, but I wasn't really living. I'm here but not here. I'll meet you and not remember your name or your face, or even the hour-long conversation we had about your one-eyed puppy. Who are you? And just how different was that from lucid dreaming? I was lost at sea in the real world.
All to say that the body is truly miraculous. I went up 11 lbs (5 kg) a few hours after re-hydrating before my first tournament. Whatever I wanted, my body complied. "Oh, you're lifting now? We'll get stronger. Oh you're doing a double cut? Don't worry, we won't go up that much in weight. We'll help you out." I didn't realize that my body was my friend. All this time, trying to get me on the right track. Supporting me with explosive power and stability and balance. It's unbelievable that I had previously tried to navigate a physical world with a neglected physical body. It's like starting an RPG with a character with low physical stats, and never trying to improve those stats from map to map. Just...no.
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II. The mind
I have a tendency to dissociate when I get stressed out. If I black out and enough time passes, I won't have to deal with, you know, the looming thing anymore. This is also known more commonly as procrastination, but I added a little bit of a Neptunian flair to it by also losing my sense of time and self. I would "zombie-out" and hope for the best. My mind would shut off and run on autopilot, mostly to protect myself from my formless fears, which would snowball by the second until I had crushed myself with a make-believe avalanche.
Anyway, I definitely dissociated during my first Muay Thai fight at the 2017 U.S. Muay Thai Open East. I had a legitimate out-of-body experience. I could hear my corner screaming, but their voices felt muffled before they even reached my ears. I could hear my opponent's corner much more clearly, and all it did was chip away at my confidence. I OBSERVED myself throw kicks from a vague point behind my actual body. I didn't know if my teammates were watching, or if they even cared. All I knew was that my head was being snapped back by punches and my kicks didn't seem to do a thing against the monster that was marching straight at me. My body became a heavy bag of flesh after every round, and I wanted that 1-minute break to stretch forever so I didn't have to get up from the stool. Most of all, I felt completely and utterly alone. My pessimism colored my entire outlook, and I
had already lost the fight in my head. The match ended up being a split decision, which meant I had a fair chance of my hand being raised. But I never thought I had any chance of winning, so I had already sealed my loss before the first bell had rung.
Immense pressure had built up between last year's defeat and this year's determination to try again. Same tournament, but I had gone up a weight class both because of the new double weigh-in rule and my poor choices in alcohol consumption after graduating from grad school (fuck it). Shit, what if these girls were massive? What if I crumpled like a piece of paper in the ring? What if even after trying my best, I was just not good enough?
Well, it turns out whether or not I was good enough depended mostly on what I believed. And I really, from the pit of my stomach really, did not want to lose again. My mind was trying to find an excuse, and came up with nil. Nothing. Nada. So the only option I had was to win. Leading up to the fight I forced myself (it wasn't easy) to throw all my insecurities aside to make room for game-planning and strategy. Pulling tarot cards, taking hour-long meditative showers, having perpetual angry-face and ignoring everyone...I didn't give a fuck what that looked like to other people. Coach Deborah gave us a pep talk that unleashed my mental restraints by giving us permission to be selfish for a week. Well, I definitely took her advice. And in doing so, discovered a pure and unapologetic version of myself.
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III. The heart
The one who grabbed my spirit mid-departure from my body and stuffed it back in my flesh-and-blood, human-shaped container was my coach Anne Lieberman. Up until the moment I stepped into the ring, I thought I had been ready, but the few minutes before my fight when we were waiting to get on deck changed my mentality drastically. Watching the fights before us finish and hearing the crowd scream with every shot landed...that all brought back the surrealism I felt from last year. My eyes started to glaze over, even though I thought I heard Joe say "switch on" in a muted voice far away. Nope, I was about to leave Earth and go to Neptune again. A safe and empty place where nothing could hurt me...
It was at this exact moment that Anne anchored her hands on my shoulders and caught my gaze. She gave me the most intense stare and uttered, "I need you with me for just 6 minutes. Give it all you've got." Looking into her eyes, I felt all of her frustration from her previous fight. She hadn't been given a fair chance in the ring, yet she had thrown her frustrations aside to corner me for my fight. That moment, I decided to show 100% of my heart in this fight and leave everything in the ring, wide open, to make her proud.
I felt more alive in that fight than I did in any other moment in my life. I had my hands on the wheel, and I was driving my life towards the direction that I wanted it to go in. Thank God for backseat drivers.
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♚ Joseph Sampieri for the 20/20 coaching, cornering, gameplan, and endless sacrifice for the sake of the team
♛ Michelle Diaz for being THE life advice giver, always pushing me in training and in life by setting the best example--and lifting me up when I felt my lowest
♛ Anne Lieberman for being so dedicated to my success and happiness, sometimes at her own expense
♛♛ Kaitlin Sansoucie and Sonia Ortiz for so much magic and tarot support. Honestly, I trusted the heart of the (tarot) cards.
♞ Giselle Prenata for the most amazing coffee ever, the focus music and all the SUPPORT! Damn that support was real.
♛ Samantha Mang for all the boxing, sparring and adventures
♚ John Lee for all the amazing food and technical drilling
♚ Mateo Molina for the pep talks and mitt work, and putting me through the wringer when I needed to be
♚ Miguel Mariano for being the OG drilling partner
♚ Mark Marrero for the pads, sharp eye for weaknesses, and the booming voice in the corner I could always hear
♛♛♛ Dre, Buzz, and D for being gangster Amazonians in the ring and being my heroes
♚ Joe Boffi and Paul Pivarnik at Catalyst S.P.O.R.T for the lifting gains, confidence in my strength and being kind enough to let me sleep under desks and cut weight there 😓
♛ On Point Sports Care for the much needed acupuncture and recovery sessions
♛ Pari Aryafar for the amazing photos -- if there are no pics, did it even happen?
♛ Watt Sriboonruang for feeding me emergency pie at a moment of great desperation
♞ Dad for rushing over at night when I was cutting weight to help me meal prep and wash my sauna suit 😇
😻 Amanda La Salle for all the love
♚♛ Everyone who texted me to support in crucial moments
♞ Team Renzo Gracie for the family
All photos by Pari Aryafar
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